So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
