There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize