so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
