clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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