i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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