Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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