i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
