listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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