Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
