True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
