Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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