Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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