So drunk its hurt
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
