Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
