direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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