Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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