Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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