Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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