Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
