Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
