I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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