i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
