you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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