I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
