Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
not ubering you a puppy
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize