since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
