U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
