Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
