Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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