watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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