And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize