Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
