Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
