I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
