There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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