Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
