Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
