Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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