My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
