I didn't shave. On purpose
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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