Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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