Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
