i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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