Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
