god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
