Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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