note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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