I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Boobs are out for the taking
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
