when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize