I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
