The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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