So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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