Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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