Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
