Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
