I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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