Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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