I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize