bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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