I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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