From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
