pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My ATM looks so different sober.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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