I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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