I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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