so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
